Signs of Sarcasm

By Jeffrey Fazio
Special Sections Writer

If you share the tendency to overanalyze, road signs can conjure up all kinds of thoughts. For example, is a “HIDDEN DRIVEWAY” really hidden if there is a sign telling you that it is there?

Deer crossing signs are just as bewildering. How do they know where to put them up? “Quick, there goes a deer! Put up a sign!” What makes them think the deer is coming back?

The Department of Transportation really gives us incentives to speed with the “SPEED ENFORCED BY AIRCRAFT” signs. It’s worth a $100 ticket to be pulled over by an F-14 jet decked out with sirens and a light bar.

And what about “NO TURN ON RED?” Does that imply that going straight on red is legal at this intersection? As for other intersections, here is a fair warning: You may upset your passengers if you are thoughtful enough to extend your hand to stop their head as you approach a “STOP AHEAD" sign. Some people just do not understand.

In the same category of signs we find “SLIPPERY WHEN WET.” No kidding, most surfaces are slippery when wet. It also seems that the state likes to tease those who suffer from paranoia with the “BRIDGE MAY BE ICY” signs. It also is possible that the bridge may be collapsed – we appreciate the useful information.

On the subject of bridges, it probably is safe to assume that most bridges are of the male variety since their signs have no problem declaring their weight restrictions.

If you find yourself attracted to another driver and are not sure if they are married, just wait to see what they do when they approach the “SINGLE LANE AHEAD.” At that point, you can start to wink, wave or otherwise flirt, unless you happen to enter a “NO PASSING ZONE.” After miles of considering passing recklessly, drivers can really appreciate seeing a “PASS WITH CARE” sign.

“USE FLASHERS UNDER 40 M.P.H.” Enough said.

Some roadways are in such a state of neglect that they only earn a “15% GRADE.” Speaking of poor grades, are “SLOW CHILDREN” signs intended as a commentary on the intellect of the local children? “WATCH CHILDREN” – Aren’t drivers supposed to watch the road?

For the fatalist with a flair for foreshadowing there is the “EXPRESSWAY ENDS IN 1 MILE” sign. Thanks for that dose of optimism.

“PARK IN REAR” must be where you tell someone who has offended you to park his or her car. “Drop the Chalupa!” or its spices may lead to a “BLASTING ZONE AHEAD.” If you own an electric car make sure you do not park near a “NO OUTLET” (sign).

If you feel these roadway observations are thought through in the “WRONG WAY;” instead, be confident that they are correct. You will soon pass the re-affirming post that reads “KEEP RIGHT,” telling you we haven’t been wrong yet.